Friday, October 15, 2010

Advice for the Farm-Lorn

I've decided to become the next World-Wide Famous Advice Columnist.  Shouldn't be to hard.  All you have to do is read a letter and then boss the person on what to do.  I think I'm already good at that.

Why is it we love to read about the misery of other people?  I guess it must be the same mechanism that drives the gossip gaggles.  So here is sampling of one of my possible future columns.  Enjoy.

Dear Redneck Cowgirl:
I have always wanted to live in the country.   My husband is an investment banker who earns enough money to afford a wonderful huge expensive home in New York along with wonderful vacations, and is a kind considerate man and wonderful father.  However, he refuses to move or even to allow me to have a horse and board it near the city.  What should I do?  Sad City Mom

Dear Sad City Mom:
You have obviously been seriously deprived in your privileged life.  You need to shoot your husband (I recommend checking the death sentence laws in your state first however) and find a nice farmer/rancher to marry where you can then work outside of the farm and farm full-time also.  You will also have the wonderful experience of living paycheck to paycheck, freezing your buns off in horribly cold weather, stoking a wood fire to save on heating expenses, and feeding your farmer/rancher and all his best buddies every time he works cattle or plows his field and they all come to help.  This is of course on a very limited budget so you will also have to plant a garden big enough to feed a neighborhood and put all that food up by canning or freezing for later use.
Plan on sleeping a maximum of 2 hours a night at least 11 1/2 months of the year.  Think of how buff you can become walking home when your car quits on the 2 mile lane into your house (plan on once a week at a minimum); or the wonderful experience of watching your darling child run over by a mad bull!  Oh not to be missed!
As for the horse, you will be allowed numerous steeds but will only get to find the time to ride a couple of times of year, usually branding and shipping.  And you can take pride in your tractor driving skills along with your new-found bravery when you smack that mad cow over her nose with a 2 x 4.
---Redneck Cowgirl

Dear Redneck Cowgirl --
My husband and I run 1000 head of sheep which means we also have several Border Collies.  The problem is those dogs are very attached to my husband as they spend all day with him.  I don't as I have to work off the farm so we have medical insurance and money.  Whenever I try to get into his pickup, one of the dogs is in the front seat (they fight over who gets that position) bites me.  What so I do?    Bitten in Colorado

Dear Bitten -
Suck it up and make sure those dogs are current on their rabies vaccinations.  
Redneck Cowgirl

Dear Redneck Cowgirl --
My 16 year old son tells me he wants to rodeo and be a cowboy.  What should I do?
Worried Mom in Montana

Dear Worried Mom in Montana -
Suck it up and make sure he is current on his rabies vaccination -
Redneck Cowgirl

Dear Redneck Cowgirl --

I have a strange problem.  A badger has set up a hole to live in right near our lane gate.  It threatens me every time I get out to open the gate.   What should I do?   Chicken in South Dakota

Dear Chicken in South Dakota:
Suck it up and make sure YOU are current on rabies vaccinations.  OR you can do what I did - shoot the badger. (note requires nerves of steel while it comes running towards you with teeth flashing! And a darn good aim.I sucked it up and hit it.)
Redneck Cowgirl

Dear Redneck Cowgirl --
My twenty year old son entered the wild horse race over the 4th of July, which his team won.  Unfortunately that night he got drunk at the street dance, got into a fist fight and was arrested for being a minor in possession.  Now he has to go to court and as his parent, I have to go with him.  What should I do?  - Myself

Dear Myself -
I sucked it UP! and went to court.  I was so proud of him...not. (and yes, that really IS the kid that did this to me in the above photo.  FWIW he spent more than he won on the fine and learned his lesson.)
Redneck Cowgirl

So what do you think?  Do I have a great future or WHAT!!!  Send in your questions! (just not too hard a question.  My life experiences are limited here North of Nowhere).


  1. Good advice, but to be fair, I broke even on the weekend.

  2. You made me laugh out loud. You really should write an advice column.


  3. Well this was a great the Farm Lorn part..:)