Pantyhose and Other Atrocities

Have you ever wondered what ran through the brain of the person who invented pantyhose?  Well I sure have.  I hate pantyhose.  NEVER wear them if I can get out of it.  Like maybe once in a Blue Moon and since we just had one of those we all know how often that is, eh???  For one thing, getting the bloomin' things on are like wrestling with an alligator and once they are on, I feel like Men In Tights or Robin Hood or something -- maybe a sausage with a string tied in the middle.

The recent cold snap over Christmas reminded me of an incident many years ago.  We lived in Washakie County near Ten Sleep, Wyoming, and my husband had to go to Oklahoma for training for his job leaving me and my six year old son at home to feed about five head of horses.  While he was gone, the mercury dropped out of sight -- 24 below zero and stayed there the whole time Hubby was gone!  One day just as I was tugging on a set of Carhart coveralls to go and feed the horses, the phone rang.



(This was the era when they could still telemarket the world, and junk mail filled up your mailbox every day with book offers and pantyhose by the gross offers)  Upon answering it, I find out it's a telemarketer with a decided New York accent and boy, she has absolutely the greatest deal ever for me on panty hose and she is absolutely SURE I will take advantage of the offer.   I don't wear pantyhose, I told her.  She was nothing short of dumbfounded.

Every women I know wears them every day! she exclaimed.  Well I don't I said.  Never? She asked.  Well maybe if I'm going to a wedding or a funeral but probably not then if I can wear my pantsuit, I said.  Oh, she said, surely you can't pass this up and if you only try them, you will wear them every single day!

Look, Lady, I said.  It's 24 degrees below zero, I'm in the middle of my living room dressed like the Michelin man to go outside and feed our horses and maybe try to start a truck that hasn't turned over in five days, and to top it off the snow is butt deep on a tall Indian and I'm two miles from town.  Now just WHERE do you think I'm going to wear them TODAY?

She starting laughing and said I see your point and hung up.  I went out and froze my XXXX off feeding the bloomin' horses while I had the kid plunked in front of the television.  That was approximately 29 years ago and I think I can count on one hand the number of times I've had a pair of (*#$&! pantyhose on since then.

Happy 2010 to y'all!  May pantyhose never crawl into yer underwear drawer!  Or up your butt either!And may you only have to wear the darn things Once In A Blue Moon!!!