Friday, February 25, 2011

Abner Fogwaugh and Other Tales of a Last Resort

Hubby on his Mare "Melody"

I have a secret about Hubby I am about to reveal -- he lied to his children.  He Lied to His Children on a constant, repeated basis.  Whoppers.  Tall Tales, you name it.  He made it up.  No. 1 Son fell for it every single time, and I MEAN every single time until the day he was four and half.  He came around the corner into the kitchen while I was cooking, put his hands on his hips and stated LOUDLY, "MOM! I never WAS A SKUNK was I?"  Nope son, you never were.  The truth has revealed itself.

See, No. #1 Son made the drastic mistake of asking his father about the birds and bees.  Had he asked MOTHER I would have told him the truth -- the stork brought him, but at least he would have known he was always human.  Hubby, however, goes into this long, detailed tale about riding out on the range on Ol' Pepper (a horse we had at that time) and finding a den of skunks.  He scooped one up and brought him home and raised him as a boy, ie #1 Son.
#1 Son while he was Still Gullible and Believed Dad

And then there were the several tense weeks when Hubby told #1 Son that the reason the Blue Heeler didn't have a long tail was because it froze off when Dee Dee (the dog's name, stood for Damn Dog) was ice fishing. (Heelers have their tails bobbed as young puppies.)  Poor #1 Son asked me at least 3 times a day if we couldn't go up to the Lake and look for Dee Dee's tail.  He finally accepted the fact that she seemed pretty happy and was able to swing from a horse's tail quite well without it.

Hey we lived 75 miles North of Nowhere then.  Entertaining each other sometimes was all we had!  We weren't really on the Edge of the Earth but you could darn sure see it from there!  

Which brings me to Abner Fogwaugh.  I always pictured poor Abner as some poor ol' kid that looked like MAD Magazine's Alfred E. Newman.
Alfred E. Newman who was probably not related to our Abner Fogwaugh.

Abner Fogwaugh became a notable member of our family.  Whenever one of the boys would say, "ALL the OTHER KIDS are going, doing, seeing, getting, whatever," they would be informed nope, not true.  Abner Fogwaugh was NOT going, doing, seeing, getting, whatever either.  Usually that ended the discussion although #1 Son tried to make an end run a couple of times by attempting to pin Dear Ol' Dad down to the details like who was Abner, where did he live, etc.  Dear Ol' Dad always had a reply, a cousin, a distant relative, lived in the Ozarks, lived on the Big Horn Mountains, always a different answer.

Both the boys loathed poor ol' Abner.  HE was the reason they couldn't smoke, chew, drink, drive hot cars, spend all day playing video games, and had to work on the place with Dear Ol' Dad.  HE was the reason they both turned out pretty decent in Mom's opinion.  Yep, Abner Fogwaugh and....the best Dad in the World who could tell pretty decent whoppers.

Winter still persists in our neck of the woods with below zero temps but just thinking of good ol' Abner has brightened the day for me.  Ahhh Abner, were be ye now?


  1. Thanks for some great early morning entertainment, Merideth. Loved your story.

  2. It's the joy of parenthood to convince our children of things that are in no way based in reality. It's an even greater joy to have them come back and look at you and say, "you weren't telling the truth were you?" Well, duh. But you were gullible enough to believe it so I accept no responsibility.

  3. Great stories..and it would seem that Abner set good examples for your I am sure your husband did too:)

  4. I'm sure he loved telling those stories and they did make the noy's childhood a little more magical.

    Our Daughter #3 (26) worked in the Teton National Park, (right on Jackson Lake) for 4 years. I've heard about your winters. Her Dad flew out one winter, and even being from Northern Michigan, he was amazed. His Dad used to say " Michigan had 9 months of winter and 3 months of bad sledding." I think you can relate.

    Glad I found your blog. I am now a fan.

  5. Great post!


  6. I have another story about my dad and whoppers. When I was about 8, my mom was shwoing me their wedding album. My dad back then when I was 8 had the curly hair that ran on his side of the family (that i got) and a red beard, and was medium set. So mom shows me this wedding picture of this guy coming down the aisle and I ask who it is because he's skinny, no beard, and very short dark straight hair. My dad quips that he didn't know but it wasn't him and we better figure out who my dad is. I of course believed him because it looked nothing like the dad I knew! mom went ballistic and called the relatives to vouch for this but i didn't believe her that it was dad for months and months. dad had further ticked off mom and gotten his hair chopped right before the wedding and she was horrified. Ahhh, the memories.